i've always loved the india.arie song of the same title. it speaks to me on so many levels, because i've always subsribed to the belief that balancing yourself mentally, spiritually, and physically, is the key to living a long, happy life. everything in moderation, they say. i ALWAYS know when i am way off kilter. lately, i haven't been feeling like myself. and i have been acting out. in little ways here and there, nothing major, but acting out for sure.
"it's when you're in that valley, you can see both sides more clearly."
indeed.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Open Letter to the Perpetual Sidepiece: Situations v. Relationships
Dear Perpetual Sidepiece:
If you didn't think I know who you are, I do. And I know you know me.
You admit you two were never "official" and you were "with" Him in a "non-monogamous relationship" (read: SITUATION) for the past several years. We both know that during that time, He has had at least two "official" exclusive relationships (read: RELATIONSHIPS), both of which you had knowledge; one in which He is still involved; and, clearly, neither of which included you. If by chance you don't understand what I mean by Him being in an "official exclusive relationship", I mean referring to the women as "girlfriend", introducing them to His friends and family as such, courting them, and being involved with them exclusively. You conceded you two never made your situation official, so I'm assuming He never claimed you as His girlfriend and you were never in a relationship. He probably hit you with the amorphous "friend" title all the time, huh? Did you ever meet His mother? Go on a family trip with Him? Did He involve Himself in the life of your daughter? I'll wait.........................
Oh *crickets* .........okay.
Did you feel like you were intruding on His relationships while you were just "with" Him, playing the perpetual sidepiece? (You were! And it was unfair to all involved!) How about when you kept in contact as a "friend" knowing you were still in love with Him and wanted more than friendship...a relationship, even? For future reference, disguising yourself as a "friend" didn't fool anyone; friends don't come with ulterior motives.
Seeking emotional support from Him, the sort a boyfriend would give his girlfriend when in a relationship, although He was no longer your person to go to for such support and you knew He was unavailable, was plain wrong. I wonder how you would feel if your new man had an ex that just wouldn't let go, sort of like you wouldn't let go of Him. Don't bother replying, I already know what you'll say.
At what point in the past several years did it matter to you that you were disrespecting His relationships and the women in those relationships by carrying on this emotional and perhaps physical affair, this...situation? I'd bet it DIDN'T matter to you. He was, after all, your future husband. *side eye* *eye roll*
You say He cheats on His current girlfriend? I'm guessing He was cheating with you, up until you decided to sever ties with Him very recently. I'm curious...at what point did you decide "commitment isn't for Him"....before or after you settled for being the other woman...settled on a situation versus a relationship?
Yes, He was dead wrong, but so. were. you. You helped Him cheat, whether emotionally or physically or both. Take responsibility for your own actions and stop playing the victim. Once you knew He had committed to a relationship with someone else (two someones else for that matter), you were playing YOURSELF by remaining the sidechick in a situation.
Oh...you thought it was okay for you to disrespect the next woman's relationship with Him because you loved Him and thought (for some strange reason, in light of the fact that, according to you, He never committed to you EVER) that He would ultimately be your future husband? GIRL, PLEASE. You are as selfish as He is.
In any event, kudos to you for moving on. I hope you stick to your guns and don't fall into the tried but true trap of going to him next time you need a shoulder to cry on only to inevitably becoming emotionally dependent on Him again and reignite the...situation. He clearly enjoys using this to his advantage and to your vast detriment. I call it Him getting girlfriend privileges without fulfilling boyfriend responsibilities.
A piece of advice: just because an otherwise unavailable man makes a piece of himself available to you doesn't mean you should take the bait. Have some self-respect and integrity. Require more than a situation. And respect other people's relationships.
As you were.
~Pretty P
If you didn't think I know who you are, I do. And I know you know me.
You admit you two were never "official" and you were "with" Him in a "non-monogamous relationship" (read: SITUATION) for the past several years. We both know that during that time, He has had at least two "official" exclusive relationships (read: RELATIONSHIPS), both of which you had knowledge; one in which He is still involved; and, clearly, neither of which included you. If by chance you don't understand what I mean by Him being in an "official exclusive relationship", I mean referring to the women as "girlfriend", introducing them to His friends and family as such, courting them, and being involved with them exclusively. You conceded you two never made your situation official, so I'm assuming He never claimed you as His girlfriend and you were never in a relationship. He probably hit you with the amorphous "friend" title all the time, huh? Did you ever meet His mother? Go on a family trip with Him? Did He involve Himself in the life of your daughter? I'll wait.........................
Oh *crickets* .........okay.
Did you feel like you were intruding on His relationships while you were just "with" Him, playing the perpetual sidepiece? (You were! And it was unfair to all involved!) How about when you kept in contact as a "friend" knowing you were still in love with Him and wanted more than friendship...a relationship, even? For future reference, disguising yourself as a "friend" didn't fool anyone; friends don't come with ulterior motives.
Seeking emotional support from Him, the sort a boyfriend would give his girlfriend when in a relationship, although He was no longer your person to go to for such support and you knew He was unavailable, was plain wrong. I wonder how you would feel if your new man had an ex that just wouldn't let go, sort of like you wouldn't let go of Him. Don't bother replying, I already know what you'll say.
At what point in the past several years did it matter to you that you were disrespecting His relationships and the women in those relationships by carrying on this emotional and perhaps physical affair, this...situation? I'd bet it DIDN'T matter to you. He was, after all, your future husband. *side eye* *eye roll*
You say He cheats on His current girlfriend? I'm guessing He was cheating with you, up until you decided to sever ties with Him very recently. I'm curious...at what point did you decide "commitment isn't for Him"....before or after you settled for being the other woman...settled on a situation versus a relationship?
Yes, He was dead wrong, but so. were. you. You helped Him cheat, whether emotionally or physically or both. Take responsibility for your own actions and stop playing the victim. Once you knew He had committed to a relationship with someone else (two someones else for that matter), you were playing YOURSELF by remaining the sidechick in a situation.
Oh...you thought it was okay for you to disrespect the next woman's relationship with Him because you loved Him and thought (for some strange reason, in light of the fact that, according to you, He never committed to you EVER) that He would ultimately be your future husband? GIRL, PLEASE. You are as selfish as He is.
In any event, kudos to you for moving on. I hope you stick to your guns and don't fall into the tried but true trap of going to him next time you need a shoulder to cry on only to inevitably becoming emotionally dependent on Him again and reignite the...situation. He clearly enjoys using this to his advantage and to your vast detriment. I call it Him getting girlfriend privileges without fulfilling boyfriend responsibilities.
A piece of advice: just because an otherwise unavailable man makes a piece of himself available to you doesn't mean you should take the bait. Have some self-respect and integrity. Require more than a situation. And respect other people's relationships.
As you were.
~Pretty P
Monday, January 04, 2010
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The Ultimate Measure of a Man
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
~MLK Jr.
Somewhere, somehow, I have to find the courage to tell a man I truly, truly care about, a thing that will not fall softly on his ears. In fact, it will probably sound like nine-inch nails being scraped down a chalkboard, or worse. Right now, I can't even say the words aloud, not even in a whisper. I repeat them over and over in my head--while dressing in front of the mirror, in the car on the way to work, in the bed just as I'm drifting off to sleep--but when I try to voice them, the words get stuck in my throat, like bile. I'm not an actress, but I would kill for a script right now. It would start with my confession. Then his reaction. At least that way I'd know what happens at the end. Alas, I don't know what will happen, and it is this uncertainty that keeps me cowardly mum.
~MLK Jr.
Somewhere, somehow, I have to find the courage to tell a man I truly, truly care about, a thing that will not fall softly on his ears. In fact, it will probably sound like nine-inch nails being scraped down a chalkboard, or worse. Right now, I can't even say the words aloud, not even in a whisper. I repeat them over and over in my head--while dressing in front of the mirror, in the car on the way to work, in the bed just as I'm drifting off to sleep--but when I try to voice them, the words get stuck in my throat, like bile. I'm not an actress, but I would kill for a script right now. It would start with my confession. Then his reaction. At least that way I'd know what happens at the end. Alas, I don't know what will happen, and it is this uncertainty that keeps me cowardly mum.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Interesting Morning (by a Guest blogger)
Only my friend, Daddy's Little Girl, would do something like this! Enjoy!
I have had an interesting morning and I just had to share. A coworker came by my office to tell me about a group of us going to Harry's for lunch. I told him that I needed to know whether or not they were walking so that I could decide whether to go. I did not want to walk because I was wearing heels and the only other pair of shoes that I had in the office were black, and that would not match my outfit. As I proceeded to show coworker my brown heels, I then realized that messing up my outfit with black shoes was the least of my problems. I had inadvertently put on two different pair of shoes this morning - a brown open toe and a black open toe. And, the shoes were not the same style. So, this is my shame for today...Both pairs of shoes were by the door as I was rushing out this morning. The possibility of mixing up the shoes briefly crossed my mind, but I figured that my feet would be able to tell the difference. So, I decided to forgo taking the time to glance down at my feet. I can't even use pregnancy as an excuse anymore...
~Daddy's Little Girl
I have had an interesting morning and I just had to share. A coworker came by my office to tell me about a group of us going to Harry's for lunch. I told him that I needed to know whether or not they were walking so that I could decide whether to go. I did not want to walk because I was wearing heels and the only other pair of shoes that I had in the office were black, and that would not match my outfit. As I proceeded to show coworker my brown heels, I then realized that messing up my outfit with black shoes was the least of my problems. I had inadvertently put on two different pair of shoes this morning - a brown open toe and a black open toe. And, the shoes were not the same style. So, this is my shame for today...Both pairs of shoes were by the door as I was rushing out this morning. The possibility of mixing up the shoes briefly crossed my mind, but I figured that my feet would be able to tell the difference. So, I decided to forgo taking the time to glance down at my feet. I can't even use pregnancy as an excuse anymore...
~Daddy's Little Girl
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Exes and O
This is a very old post that I just completed. I wanted to lighten the mood in here after my latest musings.
The scene: A discount department store in the home section.
The players: Missy* (my longest friend; we've been besties since the third grade); my ex-boyfriend's Mother, sister and niece; myself.
Background: The ex and I dated in high school. We spent two and a half years in a relationship, with the last year being our freshman year in college at different universities. Our relationship came to its demise after the ex went home for the summer and I spent the first half of summer away at school. (For the record, I can't believe we made it that long; I keep warning my younger brother that he and his GF will break up when he leaves her for her last year of high school to go off to his freshman year of college). I went home for the second half of summer, cried after seeing him out on a date (mind you, I was on a date, too), got over it and went back to school. I graduated on time (a semester early actually), went on to law school as planned and became an attorney. The ex, on the other hand, played around (it is perpetually spring break in the city where his college is located, so I can't fully blame him), took a year "off" and ended up transferring to a different school (ironically, the same one his parents wouldn't let him attend in the first place). Needless to say, he became a super senior and his plans of going to dental school fell by the way side. He recently graduated with his bachelors degree, a whole 7.5 years later. His niece is currently a student of Gayle's (my bestie who is a teacher at our former high school).
The story: One weekend, Missy and I decided we both needed new decor for our apartments. My tummy was hurting awfully bad and therefore, I was rubbing it as if a pregnant woman might. Missy turned and said to me, "You better stop rubbing your belly like that. People are going to think you're preggers." I laughed, protruded my stomach out as far as I could and continued to rub, all in order to mock her.
Enter the ex's family. Being the girl I am, I walked over and said hello. Hugs and "good to see yous" all around. The Mom asked me when did I graduate. At this point, I had been an attorney for 1.5 years and therefore, I told her, I've already made that walk across the stage. She proceeded to say, "I know, but aren't you in grad school?"
Sigh. I don't know what it is, but every time I see someone from back home, they think I am still in law school. Maybe their timing is off or they just can't believe it. Maybe my ex's mom put me on the delayed higher education schedule with that of her son. IDK.
I replied, "Yes, I graduated from law school 1.5 years ago. I'm an attorney." She looked overwhelmed for a second, congratulated me and said she was so proud. We exchanged pleasantries for a few more minutes then went our separate ways.
The following week, Gayle called and asked if there was anything I needed to tell her. "Um...no, not that I can think of. Why?" She told me the ex's niece asked her in class if I was married and if I was preggo. SHOCK.AND.AWE. Gayle said she told the niece, after admonishing her for asking inappropriate questions of course, that I was not in fact married and was not pregnant to her knowledge. I giggled and explained the sitch to Gayle.
See, that's how rumors get started.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
******UPDATE******: I recently discovered the aforementioned ex is now a daddy! Congratulations, Charlie Brown!
The scene: A discount department store in the home section.
The players: Missy* (my longest friend; we've been besties since the third grade); my ex-boyfriend's Mother, sister and niece; myself.
Background: The ex and I dated in high school. We spent two and a half years in a relationship, with the last year being our freshman year in college at different universities. Our relationship came to its demise after the ex went home for the summer and I spent the first half of summer away at school. (For the record, I can't believe we made it that long; I keep warning my younger brother that he and his GF will break up when he leaves her for her last year of high school to go off to his freshman year of college). I went home for the second half of summer, cried after seeing him out on a date (mind you, I was on a date, too), got over it and went back to school. I graduated on time (a semester early actually), went on to law school as planned and became an attorney. The ex, on the other hand, played around (it is perpetually spring break in the city where his college is located, so I can't fully blame him), took a year "off" and ended up transferring to a different school (ironically, the same one his parents wouldn't let him attend in the first place). Needless to say, he became a super senior and his plans of going to dental school fell by the way side. He recently graduated with his bachelors degree, a whole 7.5 years later. His niece is currently a student of Gayle's (my bestie who is a teacher at our former high school).
The story: One weekend, Missy and I decided we both needed new decor for our apartments. My tummy was hurting awfully bad and therefore, I was rubbing it as if a pregnant woman might. Missy turned and said to me, "You better stop rubbing your belly like that. People are going to think you're preggers." I laughed, protruded my stomach out as far as I could and continued to rub, all in order to mock her.
Enter the ex's family. Being the girl I am, I walked over and said hello. Hugs and "good to see yous" all around. The Mom asked me when did I graduate. At this point, I had been an attorney for 1.5 years and therefore, I told her, I've already made that walk across the stage. She proceeded to say, "I know, but aren't you in grad school?"
Sigh. I don't know what it is, but every time I see someone from back home, they think I am still in law school. Maybe their timing is off or they just can't believe it. Maybe my ex's mom put me on the delayed higher education schedule with that of her son. IDK.
I replied, "Yes, I graduated from law school 1.5 years ago. I'm an attorney." She looked overwhelmed for a second, congratulated me and said she was so proud. We exchanged pleasantries for a few more minutes then went our separate ways.
The following week, Gayle called and asked if there was anything I needed to tell her. "Um...no, not that I can think of. Why?" She told me the ex's niece asked her in class if I was married and if I was preggo. SHOCK.AND.AWE. Gayle said she told the niece, after admonishing her for asking inappropriate questions of course, that I was not in fact married and was not pregnant to her knowledge. I giggled and explained the sitch to Gayle.
See, that's how rumors get started.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
******UPDATE******: I recently discovered the aforementioned ex is now a daddy! Congratulations, Charlie Brown!
Chasing Waterfalls
My very sage best friend (let's call her Gayle, as in, Gayle and Oprah) told me the other day "sometimes we go different places searching for something that has been right in front of us the whole time." That statement hit me hard because...well...I feel as though even at this stage of my life I am chasing something that's been missing. I always tell people I have been wasting my fabulosity for years (thanks, Kimora). There is a portion of every young woman's life where she can get away with partaking in foolish behavior, such as dating athletes and other "industry" guys even though she knows it won't lead to anything just because he can get her and her friends into VIP and is willing to pay for shopping sprees and trips to the fun cities--you know, Miami, Vegas, DC, NYC--going out every weekend to swanky bars and clubs and to all the major events, and dressing as if she were walking down the catwalk even if she were just going to the grocery store (or, as my mommy would say, like she was at the BET Awards LOL). Unfortunately, this stage of my life was spent in a city where (1) the chances of running into athletes or any other men in the "industry" were about as good as those of winning the lottery (2) there were only a couple of semi-swanky venues and the "major event" was the local HBCU's homecoming festivities and (3) good shopping was nonexistent. See? A waste of my fabulosity. When I read this post of 1969's, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy because when I was younger, I imagined spending my single youth as 1969 described hers.
But, that is a part of my life that cannot be reclaimed. Of note, I'm still single, just not that young. In fact, I'm at the age where I'm "old enough to know better" and can't do the things a younger woman might. Yet and still, I've been planning my grand relocation to a more metropolitan area where fabulousness will be appreciated and expected.
I'm from a small city, comparable in size to my current location, but even less metro. Gayle went back to our hometown after she graduated from college and she's a teacher at the high school we attended. She says of course it would be nice to have things to do and places to go on the weekends and to meet new people, but she is so happy with her job that it makes up for it.
Blank.Stare.
That entire bit of reasoning baffles me. To note, I took my job, which has a predetermined duration, with a plan to relocate after my time there was up. But, even if my job were permanent and I loved it, I don't think that would be enough to make me stay in a city where I feel stifled in almost every other aspect. Unlike Gayle, I expect to be somewhere where I'll have things to do if I so choose and where I can go out and meet new people all the time! But, Gayle makes me wonder, is all that I want and need right here and I keep missing it because I'm so intent on leaving? Is it my destiny to be the proverbial big fish in a little pond, having to go out of town every weekend to get my fix of fabulousness in some other city?
That can't be. I'm simply too fly for that.
But, that is a part of my life that cannot be reclaimed. Of note, I'm still single, just not that young. In fact, I'm at the age where I'm "old enough to know better" and can't do the things a younger woman might. Yet and still, I've been planning my grand relocation to a more metropolitan area where fabulousness will be appreciated and expected.
I'm from a small city, comparable in size to my current location, but even less metro. Gayle went back to our hometown after she graduated from college and she's a teacher at the high school we attended. She says of course it would be nice to have things to do and places to go on the weekends and to meet new people, but she is so happy with her job that it makes up for it.
Blank.Stare.
That entire bit of reasoning baffles me. To note, I took my job, which has a predetermined duration, with a plan to relocate after my time there was up. But, even if my job were permanent and I loved it, I don't think that would be enough to make me stay in a city where I feel stifled in almost every other aspect. Unlike Gayle, I expect to be somewhere where I'll have things to do if I so choose and where I can go out and meet new people all the time! But, Gayle makes me wonder, is all that I want and need right here and I keep missing it because I'm so intent on leaving? Is it my destiny to be the proverbial big fish in a little pond, having to go out of town every weekend to get my fix of fabulousness in some other city?
That can't be. I'm simply too fly for that.
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